Film Courage: I’m wondering if we can critique some dialogue of a scene I’ve written? The scene is set in modern times and it takes place in a Human Resources Department where our protagonist is Maya, a single mom in her mid-30s, she works as an administrative assistant. She’s not one for I guess what you would call “water cooler gossip.” She’s kind of head down and works hard. Some of the other employees don’t like her but she tunes it out. The other person in the scene is Tommy and he’s a young HR professional in his mid-20s. He landed the job out of college and he’s been promoted as he’s a diligent worker and committed to seeing the company run smoothly. Tommy has sent Maya an interoffice email and asked her to be at his desk. He does not say why in the email and so the scene takes place where Maya is knocking on the office door of Tommy’s which is ajar. He’s at his computer.
Hey Tommy
(Maya says while knocking on the door)
Oh hey, Maya, thanks for stopping by. Have a seat please.
(Tommy typing at his computer)
(Maya sits down in the office chair facing Tommy’s desk, her body language is a bit tense)
So…okay. Maya, thanks again for being here. Listen…
(Tommy quickly gets up from his chair and shuts the office door)
Everything good?
(Maya leans in. There’s an inflection in her voice indicating worry)
(Tommy clears his throat and breathes in)
Maya as you know our company policy states that all employees’ electronic communications are monitored from time to time so that Human Resources can be certain that said employees are in accordance with company rules…(Watch the video interview on Youtube here).
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Glenn Gers has been a full-time professional writer of movies and television for 25 years. His credits include theatrical features, no-budget indies, TV staff and episodes, original movies for cable and streaming, such as BROTHER’S KEEPER (2002), FRACTURE (2007), MAD MONEY (2008) and many more. He has won multiple festival prizes and an Emmy. He provides tips for writing on his Youtube channel Writing For Screens and offers script-consulting via his website Writingforscreens.com.
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